3 Books I Read in 2021

I made it a goal to read 1 book every 2 weeks in 2021. I made a list of the books I wanted to read. I chose half of the books to help me with theology and ministry and the other half to do with my family and fatherhood. That would have given me 26 books for the year. It was quite an impressive list.

While I did read more books in 2021 than I did the year before, I do not think I read a single book on the list I made.

HOWEVER I did read some other books that were helpful to me. Here are three that helped me to think through some issues that I had been thinking about this past year in 2021.

  1. The Path to Being a Pastor: A Guide for the Aspiring by Bobby Jamieson.
    This book was maybe the most memorable book I read this year. I read through it with a friend from work who is figuring out his “calling” to the pastorate. As this book will argue, the language of “calling” may not be helpful or even biblically accurate when considering the path to being a pastor. He uses the word “aspiring” which is closer to what the Bible uses when talking about the qualifications for eldership in 1 Timothy 3:1-7. He lays out practical considerations that a man might think about when taking steps towards the pastorate such as whether or not seminary is necessary, the burden a pastorate might put on his family, and the qualifications listed out in 1 Timothy and in Titus.

    It is short (less than 200 pages) and concise and I think it might be the most helpful book on this topic. It’s not a scholarly or theological deep-dive on each Greek word used in the passages talking about pastoral qualification. It felt more like talking to a friend who already has gone through and experienced the ups and downs of pursuing the pastorate and he is just passing on his insight and wisdom on it. I would recommend it to anyone and everyone considering becoming a pastor.
  2. Men and Women in the Church by Kevin Deyoung.
    This was one of the last books I read in 2021. I was attempting to find something readable for the members of my church to explain and lay a foundation for holding a complementarian theology. The subtitle to this book is ‘A short, biblical, practical introduction’. I believe that to be an apt description. It is a 176 page book that gives biblical arguments for complementarian theology. It is practical in the sense that he does speak to how it affects the church and the home.
    I appreciate his awareness of the controversial nature of the topic, especially in today’s #MeToo and #ChurchToo cancel culture. He still stands his ground because he does stake his claim in the Bible which is the ultimate source of authority.

    In spite of that, I still felt a little cringe-y reading some parts of the book. For example, he brought up an argument that an old theologian used about the reason why wives are typically in the home while husbands go out to work as the breadwinner is because Eve was created inside the garden (her home) while Adam was created outside of the garden and placed into it. They were both created in their areas of major influence that they have a special relationship with. I felt like this was a stretch but apparently, it’s something that complementarians argue and it led me to think more on the topic.

    Overall, I am not sure yet if I would want to use this as an introduction to complementarian theology for my church members. I want to be confident that I can argue, in good conscience, the same things that the book argues before I let it be the book that forms our theology on the roles of men and women in the church and at home. It will require further study on my part and a searching of my heart to see whether the Bible is forming me in this aspect of the Christian life or if the culture is. It was a thought-provoking book to say the least.
  3. The Compelling Community: Where God’s Power Makes a Church by Mark Dever & Jamie Dunlop
    I read this book alongside some men I am discipling to grow as leaders in my church. It was a helpful and practical book in building a gospel-centered culture. The main argument of the book is that a church should have at its center the gospel as her main ‘attraction’. Many modern churches today have so many different ministries for so many different things. A lot of ministries are split up into demographics or common life experiences. The concern the book has with that philosophy of ministry is that it puts the focus or ‘attraction’ of the church as the carefully catered nature of the community itself as opposed to the power that created the community. When a church has a diverse community that crosses racial lines, socio-economic, age, and life stage, doing ministry together all at once, it more fully demonstrates the unifying power of the gospel. When each demographic is split up with it’s own pastor or minister, it may demonstrate that you need some sort of common ground or experience in order to truly be a part of the family of God. While common ground and experiences are convenient, it doesn’t take any gospel power to bring people with common ground and experiences together. The world can accomplish that. What makes (or what should make) the community of the church so compelling is the power of the gospel to bring people who may never interact otherwise together with the sole purpose of bringing glory and honor to their Creator.

    In reading it, I discovered that this is exactly what I would love my church to embrace as a culture. I had a recent conversation with my friends about this because I was going back and forth about whether or not I wanted to have a ‘married couples small group’ at our church. They said that this ‘compelling community’ was worth dying on a hill for. In the end, I decided that as long as the trajectory is towards discipling one another and future married couples, I think it fits within the vision of the book. It is not an easy hill to climb but I hope to plant a flag at the top and this book helps me to do that.

I hope that these books will be as helpful and thought-provoking as they were to me. I hope to read many more books in the year of 2022 that will help build both my family and my church.

Expectations for 2022

2021 is now over and we’ve entered into a new year. I don’t know about you but the magic of entering into a new year has started to wane for me. I hope this doesn’t discourage you from boarding the ‘new year, new me’ train. A new year always feels like we can start afresh and set new goals and gain perspective on the past. In fact, I usually do try to build some healthier habits at the beginning of a new year.

The problem, of course, is that much like the magic of a new year fading, so do the consistency of those new habits.

I’m also realizing those ‘new habits’ that I try and start to build are always the same ‘new habits’ that I tried and failed at last year. whether it be a diet, exercise, bible reading, or daily prayer, it’s the same thing at the beginning of every new year and the same failure to follow through.

But this year…maybe this year will be different…

All joking aside, I don’t think it’s bad to fall short in those goals or expectations set at the beginning of the year. I think we often find ourselves woefully short of what we’d like to be and find that another year has already passed and little to no ground has been gained in improving our weaknesses. In the end, we set too high of expectations on ourselves and put a lot of pressure on ourselves to meet some probably unattainable goals.

As followers of Christ, while it is important and, dare I say, necessary to have daily habits like reading and reflecting on Scripture, prayer, fasting, evangelism, giving, missions, and helping the poor, it would be counterproductive to think that even these daily habits are done without God’s grace.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this past year about myself is that I rely on myself way too much. I think that I can take care of all my responsibilities as a husband, father, and pastor by my own strength and strategy. In the end, I end up burning myself in one or more of those roles I have and end up letting everyone down and hurting those I love most in the process. 2021 was a humbling year, to say the least.

The last few months of 2021 opened up my eyes to the realization that I do not trust in God’s grace to sustain me. When the Lord tells the apostle Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you”, I did not believe it. Not in my heart and actions, anyway.

How does anyone rely on God’s grace in the daily ins and outs of life? I am still figuring that out but two things come to mind as I begin this year:

  1. Humility. When I think about how I relied on my own strength, strategies, gifts, and talents, I feel very foolish. Namely because I am not particularly strong, strategic, gifted, or talented in anything. It humbles me and it makes me realize how foolish I was being to think that I am, in and of myself, a reliable resource to anybody. Everything I have already is from the hand of God. Why would I think that anything I could give would be mine to give in the first place?
  2. Prayer. Prayer is the first step to putting humility into action. To come before God, to stand in His majesty, to confess my own weakness, sin, and shame, to ask for help, and to worship Him as He works, is indeed a very humbling experience. I hope to make prayer a focus in my life this upcoming year. What I hope prayer will do for myself and my family and my church is to make us get down and to help us stay down. My instinct is that prayer is supposed to lift me up and make me a better person but I’m learning that that’s not the case. Prayer is supposed to keep me down and to make me a more dependent follower of Christ.

Zoe Fellowship, as you know, every Wednesday at 7PM, we have a weekly prayer meeting for about an hour where we gather to reflect on Scripture, to pray through the Scripture, and then to pray for one another. As we enter into the new year, I pray that you’ll join me on our knees humbled before the Lord in prayer to Him, asking Him for the grace to sustain us, to help us become more faithful followers of Christ, and to lead us to bear fruit in our lives, for His namesake and for His glory.

Ordination

As some of you know, I was ordained as a reverend in the Southern Baptist Convention over the weekend. It was a stressful weekend with many things going on at once but, overall, it was a great experience. I got to see many friends, family, and church members come together to celebrate a day that is considered a pretty big deal in the life of a pastor.

What exactly is ordination? You can correct me if I’m wrong here since I’m basically pulling this definition out of thin air but I would say ordination really consists of two things. When you are ordained, it is the congregation and/or denomination affirming the calling of God on you to the pastorate. Essentially, the congregation/ordination council is agreeing together that the candidate being ordained is qualified to lead and shepherd the members of the church. Secondly, being ordained is the consecrating of the pastor to pastoral ministry. This is where the candidate receiving the ordination is formally being “set aside” specifically for gospel ministry. These two aspects, the congregation’s/council’s affirmation and the pastor’s consecration, that make up the two elements of ordination.

Going into the process of ordination, I’ll be honest: I don’t know that I took it as seriously as I should have. I prepared like I should and was diligent in my study but, in terms of understanding the true weight of what was going on, it didn’t really hit me until the ordination service.

It was actually one particular moment that really helped me to understand the gravity of the situation.

My wife and I and Pastor David, the other ordination candidate, were called up on stage and asked to kneel on some pillows that were prepared on stage for us. I am not a particularly flexible person so it was extremely uncomfortable. I kept shifting around trying to find a comfortable position but it was nearly unbearable. Then, the ordination council and some of the elders of our church were called up to lay their hands on us and pray for us. As they prayed, I suddenly felt the weight of the Bible that I was holding in my hand.

As uncomfortable as I was, the gravity of the idea that I am called to rightly handle the word of truth (2 Tim 2:15) and to not shrink back from preaching the whole counsel of God (Acts 20:27) felt very heavy in that moment. And that realization expanded to the people that I would be shepherding and the obligation I have towards them (1 Peter 5:2). I remembered the faces of the members of Zoe Fellowship and how now I will be held accountable by God for their souls (James 3:1). It was a heavy weight.

But as I began to remember all my inadequacies, I also remembered that in these moments where God’s grace is sufficient. If God truly did call me, He will sustain me. When I am weak, He is strong. While I am to rightly handle God’s Word, His Word will not return empty or void but will accomplish what he purposes (Isa 55:11). While I must shepherd the flock among me, Jesus is the Chief Shepherd (1 Pet 5:4). I cannot and should not be doing this on my own without the Lord’s strength.

The weight of the pastorate is not lost on me. Not anymore, anyway. I understand what I have been consecrated for. There’s a lot that goes into it but I’m diving in in faith that the Lord is with me.

I hope that you can dive in faith into whatever God has called you to as well. While you may not get a formal ordination service like I did for pastoral ministry, do not think that God has not called and commissioned you for ministry. One part of my job is to make sure that you are equipped to do the work of ministry (Eph 4:12). Your ministry may not be the pastorate but it may be your family, your vocation, maintaining your relationships, or serving in some capacity at church. Whatever it may be, dive in knowing that God ordained you to love Him and love His people.

You can watch the whole ordination service here.

Wonder.

I don’t know who else does this but I will sometimes argue with myself about some subject that has been bothering me. I might have seen or read an article or watched a video and scrolled through a comment section that made me think ‘what would I say?’ and I’ll begin pacing around my room doing a back-and-forth argument.

“If he said that, I’d come back with this!”
“But then he’d say this, and I’d probably concede to a point, but then I’d hit him with this!”
“But then he’d say this! So then maybe I should’t say this…but this!”

And by the time I’m finished, I usually don’t know what to believe any more and I’ll grow apathetic and disillusioned with that whole subject and the people associated with it.

And I’ve done that with politics, ethics, sports, art, music, and a host of other things…but I’ve never argued with myself about any subject more than the Bible.

I became a Christian because I went on a “spiritual journey” to figure out what true worship was. I was asking myself all sorts of questions like: Is worship just singing songs? Is it singing these types of songs? Does it have to be genuine? If it’s not genuine, is it really worship? Can I sing Switchfoot songs on Sunday mornings? Does Switchfoot write “Christian” music or are they purely alt-surf-rock?

You know. The real important questions.

And eventually, in an act of desperation I reached towards my Bible…so that I could move it to get to my laptop and jump on the internet to ask my questions. I went to twitter and I wrote a tweet that was something in the lines of:

“I am trying to figure out what true worship is. Where should I start?“

And I copied and pasted it to all the worship leaders I looked up to at the time: Joel Houston, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Phil Wickham, etc etc.

And my Oklahomie, Charlie Hall, would be the only one to respond and simply responded to just begin reading the Psalms.

And so I began to read one Psalm a day. And I grew in love with Jesus and His Word. I became a Christian.

For a while I began to become known as a Bible nerd because I just kept reading it. I loved it so much. I wept reading it. I worshipped God. I loved others. I didn’t do all those things perfectly but my knees were bent towards God because I my knees were bent before His Word.

But now…

I don’t know.

I don’t love it like I used to. And because of that I don’t love God like I used to. And I don’t feel His love like I used to. And I don’t worship like I used to.

I don’t know.

Things are just different now. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God and the gospel. I believe that God’s Word is true and that He is good and faithful and that He loves me. I still believe that I am a sinner. I still believe that Jesus is the Son of God who came and suffered and died in my place, appeasing the wrath of God for sinners like me. I still believe that God raised Christ from the dead so that I could have a new life in Him and that I am free from sin and guilt. And I still believe that the narrative of the gospel still holds true for everyone in the world and that the world should look and see our God’s love for us on the cross, turn from their sin, confess Jesus as Lord of all and believe in him, and so be saved.

I still believe that’s the Truth.

But I don’t know.

I don’t know if it is the cultural baggage that comes with it. I don’t know if it’s the Western politics. I don’t know if its because of the events going on in our day where evil has a face that seems much clearer…and yet people don’t see it. I don’t know if it’s intellectual doubts about existence in general. I don’t know if its because of sin I’m struggling with. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m just getting a little older (though I’m not that old).

And I’ll have all these arguments with myself back-and-forth about why the Bible is both just a collection of ancient writings from ancient peoples and at the same time the very words of my Creator that is speaking into my moment right now. And I’ll have these arguments about whether the Bible is trustworthy or not but then it turns into whether if my entire reality and experience is trustworthy or not. And I’ll start having these arguments with all the people who made really good arguments that were so convincing in the past but for some reason aren’t as convincing anymore, like C.S. Lewis or Spurgeon or Chesterton or Tim Keller…

And I just don’t know.

I’ve just become a bit numb to the wonder that I saw years ago when I turned the pages of this book.

I think there’s a lot of things that could be numbing me to God’s wonders in His Word but just a few off the top of my head:

  1. The wonders of this world. The world is filled with wonderful things meant to point me towards a wonderful God but I just stop at the wonderful things.
  2. The wonders of my stuff. I have like 7 pairs of basketball shoes in my closet. I wear 2 of them regularly. Adidas.com and Nike.com are bookmarked in my browsers…so that I can browse more basketball shoes. It’s just stuff…wonderful stuff.
  3. The wonders of my self. Tbh: I hope people think I’m wonderful for writing about how I think I’m wonderful.

Wow, writing that hurt.

Zoe Fellowship: I wrote this blog almost 4 years ago when I moved back to Dallas from Southern California, maybe a few weeks before I began attending our English Ministry and KWMBC. I posted it here for you to be vulnerable to you and to let you know that my confidence in God’s Word and the wonders of His love have grown and that, by God’s grace, is still growing. I wanted to show you that the wonders of God’s Word are often like watching a flower grow. It’s slow but when it blooms in the light of the sun, there’s much to enjoy.

I wanted to show this to you because I want you to know that I’m there with you. Maybe you’re there and the things of this world and the anxieties and pressures of life have squeezed any sort of interest in God’s Word but I want to encourage you: I’ve been there and the greatest advice I can give you is to not give up, open up your Bible, read a little bit a day, and don’t feel guilty if you miss a day. Just get up and read a little bit more. You may feel like it just sloughs off of you but there will be days it sticks and your heart is pierced and your mind is opened to the wonders of God’s glory.

I pray that you find it. I pray that God reveals it to you. It’s probably the most common prayer I pray for you: that God would reveal His glory to you through His Word. I’m going to keep praying for it. Pray with me as you open up God’s Word every day.

An Age of Anxiety

Personally speaking, I am not sure I have lived through a time in my life that could have caused more anxiety and restlessness. Considering everything that has happened in the past year or so, I feel like I should have imploded because of panic and stress. On top of my own personal challenges and responsibilities like providing for my family, keeping in touch with church members, and preparing to preach every week, everything that has been happening in the public sphere has exacerbated my stress. The COVID-19 global pandemic, social and political unrest, conspiracy theories and insurrections, all have contributed to the stress and anxiety that burdens myself and my loved ones.

How do we respond to this? How do we live through an age of anxiety?

In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). Jesus is teaching the disciples about the kingdom of heaven and what the people of the kingdom of heaven are like. However, he does so in a way that distinguishes the citizens of the kingdom of heaven from the citizens of the kingdoms of the world.

In the back half of chapter 6 of Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus confronts our anxieties caused by daily needs. He says this:

31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 

Jesus distinguishes those in the kingdom of heaven from those of the world (Gentiles) by speaking about the things that they ‘seek after’. The world seeks after things for the life and body but God’s children, those in the kingdom of heaven, seek first the kingdom and his righteousness. They seek after God’s will to be done in this world and, in so doing, the life and body are taken care of. Our heavenly Father knows that we need all these things and he graciously provides. Therefore, we do not need to be anxious about these things.

What really ties this altogether is verse 34, the final verse of chapter 6:

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.“

There’s a story in the book of Exodus about the Israelites as they left Egypt. They are wandering in the wilderness and they grew hungry and complained to Moses. So Moses relays the message and the Lord provides bread from heaven along with instruction: collect enough for you and your family every day. On the 6th day (the day before the Sabbath), collect a double portion and do not go out into the fields to collect on the Sabbath.

The Israelites, however, did not listen. They collected enough for the day but then they would save some of it for the next day. However, the bread that they saved for the next day rotted and stank up the camp. Furthermore, they were to collect a double portion on the 6th day so that they would not break the Sabbath the next day, and yet they went out to the fields to collect on the Sabbath instead of resting like they were supposed to!

I think these thoughts help illustrate a few things that can help us engage the age of anxiety we live in:

  1. Our heavenly Father provides new grace for every day. Like the Israelites who saved up their daily bread for the next day only to have it rot away, we need to remember that there’s no need to save up today’s grace for tomorrow’s troubles. Our heavenly Father desires for us to daily depend on Him. Receive today’s grace by faith today and embrace it to seek after his kingdom and his righteousness today. When we do, we can freely rest in him and worship him knowing that he has graciously provided all that we need.
  2. The rest we find in Jesus distinguishes the kingdom of heaven from the kingdoms of the world. I think it is easy to romanticize the world before COVID-19 and before the insurrection and maybe even before President Donald Trump. But the reality is we have had plenty of other stressors and anxieties before all of that. Nothing has changed except now we have to wear masks in public. But the kingdom of heaven hasn’t changed either. And in the kingdom of heaven, we have a king who gives rest to his people as he takes on the burdens of the world. This rest we have because of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection is what should characterize those of us who are citizens of the kingdom of heaven.
  3. Freedom from anxiety and heavenly provision serves as a glorious witness to the world about the character and nature of God. In an age of anxiety where people are not sure whether they will be employed for much longer, whether their business is going to be shut down by the pandemic or set on fire by protestors, if their kids are going to make it to the next grade because they haven’t been showing up to online classes, when there’s a gathered group of people who somehow have peace and rest in the midst of all those troubles and challenges, it sticks out like a sore thumb. It doesn’t mean this group of people aren’t struggling through those same challenges, it’s that somehow they persevere and make it through and still manage to live day by day with joy and dependence on something other than government stimulus checks. This is how the Church can be a witness about the wisdom and power of God. The Church can be salt and light in an age of anxiety, testifying to the provision of a gracious heavenly Father and the rest they have in a crucified Savior King.

The thing about the kingdom of heaven is that it is a present glimpse of a future reality. Today, we must fight anxiety by resting in the work of Christ, but in the future the fight will be over and we will know eternal Rest. Today, we must seek his kingdom and his righteousness, but in the future his kingdom will be consummated and his righteousness found. Today, our challenges both private and public may cripple us but in the future all will healed.

So, in the end, until the future age of the kingdom of heaven finally begins when our Savior King returns, there’s only one way to live through this age of anxiety: day by day.

Fake It ‘Till You Make It

One of the things I struggle with the most in my walk with the Lord is consistency. Whether it’s regular Bible reading, regular prayer, or checking in with church members, I always start and then end up skipping a day…then another day…and then a week…and then a month…until I feel like I’ve fallen too far behind to start up again. My faith often feels like I am trying to keep up with a New Years resolution.

This has often led me to think that my love for the Lord has gone cold. Or that maybe my devotion to the Lord was false. I feel like an imposter and a hypocrite. Shouldn’t praying be easy? Why can’t I make time to read the Bible every day? Shouldn’t reaching out to brothers and sisters at my church be simple?

And often these questions lead to other questions that plunges the knife of guilt even deeper: shouldn’t I want to pray? Do I really desire to know the Lord through His Word? Do I really love my brothers and sisters in Christ if I feel this awkward reaching out to them?

These are questions that I wrestle with all the time as a pastor and as a Christian.

I want to encourage you with really just one word of practical advice that helped me to push through in building godly habits and growing in spiritual disciplines:

Fake it ’till you make it.

I know. It sounds crude. It’s not pretty. It doesn’t even sound Christian. But hear me out.

I think my generation has believed in the ideal that our feelings must be true and authentic before we act on them. If our hearts are not in it, then it’s not real and it’s hypocritical.

While I think in some cases that can be true, I wonder if spiritual disciplines is a good context to apply this ideal.

Think about this: if you exercise and lift weights even when you don’t want to, will you still gain muscle? Or if you diet and eat healthy foods even when you don’t desire those foods, will you still not lose weight and get healthier overall? And on top of that, when you see people who exercise consistently and eat healthy foods, don’t they seem like they actually enjoy it? Doesn’t it seem like they love sweating and feeling worn out after a workout? Don’t they seem like they’re really enjoying that salad for lunch? Your muscles that you gained and weight that you lost are still very real despite your feelings about how you got there.

Much like bodily disciplines of healthy eating and exercise, spiritual disciplines can feel fake and insincere at the time, but the effects are very real. I believe that the growth of our desire and affection for the Lord and His church are the effects of spiritual disciplines, not the prerequisite for spiritual disciplines. Furthermore, the desire and affection that grew out of our spiritual disciplines helps us to love and enjoy our spiritual disciplines themselves because they lead to our greatest Love and greatest Joy in Christ.

All that to say, all the advice out there for practicing spiritual disciplines are great and I would recommend them to you all. Put bible reading and prayer in your schedule and make it immovable. Don’t overburden yourself by trying to read too much or praying too long or using fancy theological words. Partner up with others to hold each other accountable. Keep a journal. Use your free time to spend time with or reach out to church members.

However, don’t let a false sense of insincerity keep you from growing in your love and devotion to the Lord and His people. Yes, you might feel fake when you start, but the effects are very real as you continue to push yourself. You might be digging up dirt and planting and watering but only the Lord gives the growth. Trust in Him. Your labor is not in vain.

Expectations for 2021

Zoe Fellowship. We made it through 2020. It’s a new year. 2021.

Honestly, despite the title, I have no idea what to expect. I was just telling my wife earlier today: while a new year feels special when the clock hits 12am January 1…it’s just another day for me. I guess my only expectation is that things will feel the same after a short time.

And that’s what it will probably feel like for many of us after a few days or weeks. Challenges tend to carry over. They don’t just disappear. Baggage tends to go with you wherever you travel.

However, followers of Christ are those who live by faith and not by sight.

What that means is is that while we may face a lot of the same challenges, we have the same God who is making all things new. When we live by faith, it means that we are trusting that God is working new things while we are working in mundane things. It means that God has purposes for sorrows that we can’t comprehend but we trust in God’s character that he makes all things work together for the good of those who are called and loved by him. It means that we believe that God is the giver of all good gifts and everything we find joy in are shadows that point to the substance creating the shade that we enjoy.

I don’t know what to expect for 2021. But I am going to do my best to sense beyond what my eyes see and ears hear and trust in a God who saves sinners like me by his grace is pruning me so that I can bear fruit for his glorious kingdom.

I hope you will join me.

Zoe Fellowship:
The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face to shine on you and be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Happy New Year!

Love,
Pastor Paul