I don’t know who else does this but I will sometimes argue with myself about some subject that has been bothering me. I might have seen or read an article or watched a video and scrolled through a comment section that made me think ‘what would I say?’ and I’ll begin pacing around my room doing a back-and-forth argument.
“If he said that, I’d come back with this!”
“But then he’d say this, and I’d probably concede to a point, but then I’d hit him with this!”
“But then he’d say this! So then maybe I should’t say this…but this!”
And by the time I’m finished, I usually don’t know what to believe any more and I’ll grow apathetic and disillusioned with that whole subject and the people associated with it.
And I’ve done that with politics, ethics, sports, art, music, and a host of other things…but I’ve never argued with myself about any subject more than the Bible.
I became a Christian because I went on a “spiritual journey” to figure out what true worship was. I was asking myself all sorts of questions like: Is worship just singing songs? Is it singing these types of songs? Does it have to be genuine? If it’s not genuine, is it really worship? Can I sing Switchfoot songs on Sunday mornings? Does Switchfoot write “Christian” music or are they purely alt-surf-rock?
You know. The real important questions.
And eventually, in an act of desperation I reached towards my Bible…so that I could move it to get to my laptop and jump on the internet to ask my questions. I went to twitter and I wrote a tweet that was something in the lines of:
“I am trying to figure out what true worship is. Where should I start?“
And I copied and pasted it to all the worship leaders I looked up to at the time: Joel Houston, Chris Tomlin, David Crowder, Phil Wickham, etc etc.
And my Oklahomie, Charlie Hall, would be the only one to respond and simply responded to just begin reading the Psalms.
And so I began to read one Psalm a day. And I grew in love with Jesus and His Word. I became a Christian.
For a while I began to become known as a Bible nerd because I just kept reading it. I loved it so much. I wept reading it. I worshipped God. I loved others. I didn’t do all those things perfectly but my knees were bent towards God because I my knees were bent before His Word.
But now…
I don’t know.
I don’t love it like I used to. And because of that I don’t love God like I used to. And I don’t feel His love like I used to. And I don’t worship like I used to.
I don’t know.
Things are just different now. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God and the gospel. I believe that God’s Word is true and that He is good and faithful and that He loves me. I still believe that I am a sinner. I still believe that Jesus is the Son of God who came and suffered and died in my place, appeasing the wrath of God for sinners like me. I still believe that God raised Christ from the dead so that I could have a new life in Him and that I am free from sin and guilt. And I still believe that the narrative of the gospel still holds true for everyone in the world and that the world should look and see our God’s love for us on the cross, turn from their sin, confess Jesus as Lord of all and believe in him, and so be saved.
I still believe that’s the Truth.
But I don’t know.
I don’t know if it is the cultural baggage that comes with it. I don’t know if it’s the Western politics. I don’t know if its because of the events going on in our day where evil has a face that seems much clearer…and yet people don’t see it. I don’t know if it’s intellectual doubts about existence in general. I don’t know if its because of sin I’m struggling with. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m just getting a little older (though I’m not that old).
And I’ll have all these arguments with myself back-and-forth about why the Bible is both just a collection of ancient writings from ancient peoples and at the same time the very words of my Creator that is speaking into my moment right now. And I’ll have these arguments about whether the Bible is trustworthy or not but then it turns into whether if my entire reality and experience is trustworthy or not. And I’ll start having these arguments with all the people who made really good arguments that were so convincing in the past but for some reason aren’t as convincing anymore, like C.S. Lewis or Spurgeon or Chesterton or Tim Keller…
And I just don’t know.
I’ve just become a bit numb to the wonder that I saw years ago when I turned the pages of this book.
I think there’s a lot of things that could be numbing me to God’s wonders in His Word but just a few off the top of my head:
- The wonders of this world. The world is filled with wonderful things meant to point me towards a wonderful God but I just stop at the wonderful things.
- The wonders of my stuff. I have like 7 pairs of basketball shoes in my closet. I wear 2 of them regularly. Adidas.com and Nike.com are bookmarked in my browsers…so that I can browse more basketball shoes. It’s just stuff…wonderful stuff.
- The wonders of my self. Tbh: I hope people think I’m wonderful for writing about how I think I’m wonderful.
Wow, writing that hurt.
Zoe Fellowship: I wrote this blog almost 4 years ago when I moved back to Dallas from Southern California, maybe a few weeks before I began attending our English Ministry and KWMBC. I posted it here for you to be vulnerable to you and to let you know that my confidence in God’s Word and the wonders of His love have grown and that, by God’s grace, is still growing. I wanted to show you that the wonders of God’s Word are often like watching a flower grow. It’s slow but when it blooms in the light of the sun, there’s much to enjoy.
I wanted to show this to you because I want you to know that I’m there with you. Maybe you’re there and the things of this world and the anxieties and pressures of life have squeezed any sort of interest in God’s Word but I want to encourage you: I’ve been there and the greatest advice I can give you is to not give up, open up your Bible, read a little bit a day, and don’t feel guilty if you miss a day. Just get up and read a little bit more. You may feel like it just sloughs off of you but there will be days it sticks and your heart is pierced and your mind is opened to the wonders of God’s glory.
I pray that you find it. I pray that God reveals it to you. It’s probably the most common prayer I pray for you: that God would reveal His glory to you through His Word. I’m going to keep praying for it. Pray with me as you open up God’s Word every day.
zoefellowship.home.blog 